Oo-De-Lally, motherinvestors! Your favourite theoretical heist podcast is back! Recently Robin Hood – the app not the legend – made hedge funds lose billions and Vlad the Impaler (CEO of Robin Hood – again, the app) quickly struck back and banned everyone from making hedge funds lose money by stocking shorts or shorting stocks.
Meanwhile a long tweet ago in a galaxy far, far away Gina Carano got ousted from Disney from claiming that she not being cancelled for all her far right conspiracy theories and terrible takes is the real holocaust. But Disney granted her wish and finally let her go like a break away Frozen hit single.
What does that have to do with a 3,200 kg bronze statue on Broadway? How does a silent carnivale art installation communicate that conservative voices are indeed being silenced? And what’s the average pace of a proud boy?
A day may come when the courage of podcasting men fails, when the hour of the wolf draws nigh and we leave all market shares to far more popular podcasts, but it is not this day! This day, we record remotely!
In this brand new episode, our two gentleman of Numenor thieves return to their mics via remote recording and rob the real life Hobbiton and the not so real life Minas Tirith in a spectacular double coup, kicking a few doors down and stealing a Palantir (the seeing stone, not the shady surveillance company).
Our two gentleman thieves are split up yet again. While Oskar Brown is oa secret mission retrieving a vaccine microchip from Bill Gates, Sebastian Weissbach distracts you with some ASMR. This solo episode is as sensual as it is nonsensical and brings you some much needed relaxation and deep ear attention, if that’s what you’re into. It also explains the roots of bright supremacy.
You can reach How Do I Rob This on Twitter: @HowDoIRobThis
Or find out more about our heist plans on Instagram: @HowDoIRobThis
Or follow our two mastermind criminals @theoskarbrown and @smweissbach
New episodes on the 7th of every month. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and YouTube – and please feel free to leave us a sweet, sweet review!
Influencers are the bane of modern society. They are everywhere, on the streets, in your house, even in your phones! The worst of the worst live in something called Honey House, which is like Hype House for adults. Quote unquote adults.
These twentysomethings and their made up careers are no match for two gentleman thieves and their malignant misunderstanding of what a TikTok is. Relentlessly they will use and understand modern technology and combine it with halloween spookiness to be the bad influence they themselves were always meant to be.
We’re also on TikTok now. We’ve made one TikTok and that started and simultaneously ended our careers.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it two gentleman thieves glued together in an overly expensive suit on a mission to steal Nic Cage’s Superman outfit?
Yup. It’s just that. In this episode we time travel to the magical year of 1997, when Nicolas Cage could’ve been Tim Burton’s Superman, fought off a giant spider, and had a space dog. None of this came to pass, but a suit was created fit for a Kryptonian. Shinier than any material on earth, glossier, sparklier, with layers and layers of latex to allow full appreciation of Cage’s flowing black hair piece.
And now it is for us to foil Warner Bros.’s evil plan, un-release the Snyder cut, take our own cut, and make a flight for it!
In this episode our two gentleman thieves prove that this is a comedy, not a science podcast.
How heavy is one kilogram? Well, it’s a kilogram, that seems to be the obvious answer, but there is a better answer hidden deep underneath the Pavillon de Breteuil. At least an answer that’s more fun to steal: The International Prototype of the Kilogram, the IPK, Le Grand K.
Hidden under three glass bells, in a vacuum, miraculously losing weight over time, in a vault behind three locks with three keys, held by three Frenchmen, this heist might carry some serious weight.
What would you do, if you had all the money, fame, and power in the world? Well, if you are world (now in-)famous author Just Kidding Rowling (or maybe it’s pronounced Rowling?) the answer is simple: Use your platform to be a transphobic TERF.
Our two gentlemen thieves of course can’t and won’t let that stand and will simply rob the Scottish Killiechassie mansion near Aberfeldy Distillery, a potential sponsor.
But what do smarties have to do with that heist? What’s the spell that freezes people in place? Who is the half blood prince, and was Voldemort unjustly vilified because he claimed trans women are women? Find out in this week’s episode of JK Rowling’s famous twitter account “I’ve always been woke and all my characters are gay, I just never mentioned it, because it would’ve taken time off my busy schedule ruining Edinburgh cafes”
Lockdown can’t hold our two gentleman thieves down as they dive deep into the US’s colonial history and take care of one illustrious John Smith. Not the agent from the “Matrix”, the one from Disney’s “Pocahontas”. Except in real life.
Turns out, 17th century British captain and Virginia’s governour John Smith was a dick. Who would’ve thought? Four centuries later he’s a bronze statue, and statues are falling like leaves in autumn these days. Let’s use the momentum and get rid of a bloodsucking colonial with a few hundred thousand freshly bred bloodsuckers.
How? Listen, and find out! Also, this might be our last remote recording, so audio quality should be much better on the next episode. Thanks for bearing with us!
Our two gentleman thieves are still in lockdown, but somehow both managed to obtain microphones for this month’s episode. So fret not, audio quality is much better than last time, content quality as well.
Did you know that COVID-19 is a fake and also a government conspiracy to mind control non lizard people and distract from the fact that the moon is headed towards the earth where slave children labour away in the name of the Rothschild family to have their teeth removed for pianos? Well, if you didn’t, that just means you are sane.
Unlike German R’n’B singer Xavier Naidoo, who keeps going on his conspiracy rants. That has not only made the artist of South African/Indian/Irish/German descent a poster child for the far right, but also cost him his job on the jury of “Germany’s Got Talent”. Let’s see how he does without his famous sunglasses then, shall we?
Prison can’t keep two gentleman thieves back, lockdown can’t keep two gentleman thieves back, and neither can varying audio quality. Corona rules apply, so social distancing, no fancy suits, no first class flights.
Join us for episode 20 of our podcast as Oskar and Sebastian steal from the richest prick on Earth Jeffaniel Jeffrey Bezos and his Dr. Manhattan style 10,000 year clock plan near the Blue Horizon space port.
The man might not pay his fair share in taxes, but does he look like an egg with an ex-wife that has a stripper’s name.
We dive deep into mountains, physics, and Bezos’ arch rival in all things space travel Elon “Elongated” Musk.
No commander in chief is complete without two of them! That’s testicles and Air Force One and Air Force One II – Electric Boogaloo.
Just in time for the upcoming US election pitting one old white man against another, our gentleman thief Sebastian (not that old, white, man) and vixen of crime Judith will steal the president’s plane. How, why, and mostly how? Well, listen in as the two plan golf trips, gilly suits, and photo shoots.
Friend of the show Judith Shoemaker still fills in for Oskar this month, so send her lots of love on Instagram (@shoedith_jumaker) and follow her miscellaneous adventures and shenanigans.
A diamond might be forever, but it can still change hands.
On November 7th 2000 seven criminals attempted to steal the Millennium Star diamond with brute force and a speed boat and were caught before they could get a hand on the loot. On February 7th 2020 Judith and Sebastian will succeed where they failed. And also use a speed boat.
Stealing from shady individuals is what we do in the heist lounge and few corporations are as shady as De Beers, diamond dealers by day with only a few blood diamonds in the mix, and international conglomerate with flexible labour laws by night. They were also the inventors of the concept of the engagement ring in 1940s.
Unlike hosts, diamonds linger… Friend of the show Judith Shoemaker fills in for Oskar this month, so send her lots of love on Instagram (@shoedith_jumaker) and find out the story behind her handle in this episode. Sizzle.
Nothing is quite as fashionable as crime… perhaps the world’s most famous Birman cat Choupette. Now that her previous owner Karl Lagerfeld designs black suits in – optimistically – Limbo, she is left to her own devices and Lagerfeld’s millions.
Together with special guest Erman Jones our two gentleman thieves plan for a speedy getaway on the catwalk, designer perfumes, expensive suits (as always), and lots of catnip.
It’s time for our two gentleman thieves to don their sexy cat lady costumes and become true cat burglars. Andrew Lloyd Webber who blatantly stole writing credits from the 1981 cast of “Cats – the Musical” as they performed and improvised a play about jellicle (not a word, we checked) cats (very much a word) will now pay for his crimes along with everyone set out to ruin the careers of Idris Elba, Sir Ian McKellen, and James Cordon… Nevermind, Cordon and his carpool karaoke will be thrown under the bus.
So listen to our new episode in which we spend sixty minutes introducing ourselves in song and sending you to Heaviside as we steal every copy of “Cats – the Musical – the Film” and turn it into “Cats – the Musical – the Film – the Porn”.
In our 15th episode our two gentleman thieves go down under! Together with Alasdair and Andy from Two in the Think Tank we steal something very comfortable and very right wing.
Pauline Hanson from Australia’s One Nation Party has a seat in the Australian Senate in Canberra. For now. Attempting to unseat her and leave the woman standing right near the urethra of the Australian Phallic Chamber of the senate, we’ll have to use jet skis, newspaper ads, a giant golden coat of course, and Grig. Our very own character that is just original enough to not be a mock up Grug.
When God closes a window, he opens a door. Unless of course that door happens to be the world famous door of 10 Downing Street. Originally installed in the 1700s, the door serves the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom as an entrance to his/her office and a prestigious backdrop for interviews.
Unfortunately with Brexit approaching on October 31st, the door will fall into complete disarray. Enough reason for our two gentleman thieves to come up with an unhinged plan and open the door to opportunity. Boris Johnson won’t miss the door, after all. Most likely, he won’t even notice. What’s a door with a country on fire?
Billionaires and famous paintings mix about as well as famous paintings and cereal – time for our illustrious crime endorsing duo to free the most expensive painting in the world – “Salvator Mundi” by Leonardo DaVinci (allegedly) – from its current owner.
The only problem is that the current owner is none other than Mohammed bin Salman and theft would be punishable by hands and heads on the chopping block. How will our two gentleman thieves solve this pickle? What can they learn from Ancient Greece? And how funny would it be, if Sebastian were to fall apart live on the air?
In our twelfth night we can only thank the Academy for the Oscars we are about to steal. As our gentleman thieves Oskar Brown and Sebastian Weissbach and gentlewoman guest thief Olivia Dean embark on a journey to steal from Keyser Soze himself.
Kevin Spacey has won two Oscars (that’s roughly one per ten accusations of sexual misconduct) and we will take them back. How? The only way we know how to, rent a theatre, and put on a play. This mouse trap will make us some big money…
Unlike start up businesses, our two gentleman thieves solve actual problems with feasible solutions, and turn a profit while they’re at it.
This month, Bird will be crushed unter their wheels, a company run by notorious Bond villain Travis VanderZanden, now CEO and former Uber driver. But how can two honest thieves compete with the start up industry and disrupt the disrupter to rerupt the rupted? Find out!
This time, our two gentleman thieves and special guest @linuspetit go on a journey to fetch something so far fetched, most people had to leave earth to find it. A piece of the moon, loved by NASA, poets, and werewolves alike.
How will they go about obtaining a piece of unsuspecting mare basalt? Will this be the first heist in space? And how much does a piece of moon rock weigh on earth?
It’s a bit of a topsy turvy day in the heist lounge as our two career crooks welcome actress, producer, and queen of crime Judith Shoemaker to go on a spiritual ans holy journey.
The crown of thorns has been saved from the fires that ravaged the cathedral of Notre Dame, only to be stored away from Jesus’ most devout followers? Unlikely. Turning water into wine and crime into improv comedy, the trio is hunched over their plans to share the glory of third class relics with the world and rejoice in the light of our own personal Jesus Mr. Cash.
All good things must come to an end and this heist has been eight seasons in the making! In a spectacular publicity stunt Oskar of House Brown, Warden of the South (of Africa) who only has a vague idea what a White Walker is and Sebastian Weissbach, first of his name, the unlearned, King of crime and stolen candy, mother of all dragon based media, and super fan of “Game of Thrones” will steal the ending to the book series “A Song of Ice and Fire” and thus season 8 of “Game of Thrones” from author George R. R. Martin himself.
Will they succeed? Can they give Jerry Ferrara’s career a push? Can they lift Robert’s mighty war hammer? Will they meet Spin Dunbar and finally avenge the fallen turtles? Only the grand finale will reveal all! #FortheThrone
Some people deserve to be robbed and some people really, really deserve to be robbed. German gun manufacturer Heckler und Koch is one of the biggest arms manufacturers in the world. So what better way to take advantage of their shady deals than to employ four strong legs?
All our two gentleman thieves need is a little diplomatic help from the Aquatic Republic of Howdowirobi, a brand new bicycle, a little help from a dugong or two, and the smell of concrete in the morning.
It’s coming home to the two gentleman thieves and their special guest Black Prez as the three of them attempt to steal from the most vicious, corrupt, and downright evil organisation on the planet: FIFA!
The FIFA World Cup Trophy is the second of its kind and the only one that hasn’t been stolen. Yet.
Staging a heist more elegant than the two thefts of the Cup Jules Rimet, the trophy will finally be safe in the heist lounge. If not for a few pesky teenagers and their dumb dog named Pickles…
New episodes on the 7th of every month. You can find us on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify and YouTube – and please feel free to leave us a sweet, sweet review!
You can find our guest heist host and friend of the show Lie on Instagram @blackprez, on Twitter @blackprez, on Facebook Black Prez Music, or listen to his music on Spotify, and make his beats the very personal score for your scores.
The gentleman thieves are back for another sweet, sweet episode. This time they’re stealing the perhaps sweetest secret of all, a formula so well kept, that only Box 7X would be enough to contain their excitement: the Coca Cola secret formula was concocted by John Pemberton in the late 19th century and is absolutely legendary.
For safekeeping the formula is currently stored in a real vault within a fake vault in the World of Coca Cola Museum in Atlanta, Georgia. Will they succeed or will this job prove to be too sticky?
This “One Time” our two gentleman thieves will get the chance of a lifetime as they not only meet, but actually heist a celebrity. None other than Canada’s national treasure and hotty of the decade, that isn’t Justin Trudeau: Justin Bieber.
The singer is not only about to get married, he is unknowingly about to get kidnapped. Four weddings and a heist later, you will know how to effectively steal a groom and who our favourite Baldwin brother is… you might be surprised by the answer (it’s Alec).
It’s go big or go home! In episode three, criminal masterminds Oskar Brown and Sebastian Weissbach welcome special guest star Lie Chee to the heist lounge and steal the Resolute Desk right from under the president’s nose.
The very desk where JFK played with his children, Bill Clinton cheated on his wife, and Donald Trump… let’s not think about it too much.
But it certainly makes for a good heist: security is tight, the desk is easily worth millions, and we even get to jump out of a cake*!
Can you steal a döner kebab? Well, easily. Can you steal a kebab stand? The most famous kebab stand in all of Berlin and then resell it to someone’s sweet sixteen birthday party? Maybe you can’t, but our two gentleman thieves Oskar Brown and Sebastian Weissbach are sure going to try.
Mustafa’s Gemüse Döner at Mehringdamm is the target for this month’s episode and one that’ll involve feeding the homeless, scantily clad ladies, and an Airbus standard issue H135.
In the very first episode of the podcast, gentleman thieves Oskar Brown and Sebastian Matthias Weissbach plan the robbery of an IKEA furniture store.
Stakes are high with an estimated score of 300.000 Euros. How do they go about it, what are the ins and outs? And can they assemble their plan just in time to make for an elegant getaway or will they be turned into meat balls?